Deus Ex Machina

WHY AM I WATCHING DEUS EX MACHINA?

In which Boone stops screwing up. Sort of.

Did... did you just try to tell me what I can't do?

THE ISLAND

Locke and Boone are still trying to open the hatch. They've been at it for two weeks now with no progress and Boone is getting frustrated. He also wants to know more about Locke's past. But Locke is all "No one cares about what happened before we were on the island. Eventually, it would just be filler anyway, told to you out of a sense of obligation. Then I'd have to start telling you about my future, or something. Now stand back. I'm gonna hit the hatch with a trebuchet." Yeah, they built a big ol' trebuchet and Lock sends a half ton of pure jungle physics screaming down onto the hatch.... and got nothing for his troubles. The hatch is unscathed, and the trebuchet exploded. Locke even got some shrapnel in his leg, but couldn't feel it.

A few days later, Locke and Boone are still trying to open the hatch. Locke is convinced that the island will given them a sign. Then they see a small plane crash in the distance. Turns out though, this is an Island Brand Weird Dream. Boone is covered in blood, saying nonsense, Locke is back in his wheelchair, Locke's mom is there. (We'll get to her in a minute). Locke wakes up, reinvigorated, and drags Boone back into the jungle. Boone just goes with it, because what else is he going to do? On their hike, Locke tells Boone about his dream vision thing. Boone is skeptical, to put it mildly. They start to fight about it, and that's when Locke's legs give out. Locke insists that he's fine, and they start to fight about THAT. Then a skeleton falls out of a tree.

The skeleton is dressed like a priest (frankly, skeleton priests would be the only way to get me back into a church), but he's also got a gun on him (Dave Barry thinks Gun Toting Skeleton Priests would be a good band name.) and a large quantity of Nigerien money. So he's either a drug runner, or a Nigerian prince who just got off the phone with your grandmother. The pair keep walking deeper into the jungle, and eventually Locke's legs completely give out. That's when he finally fills Boone in on his backstory. He knows that there is something special about this island, and he HAS to get into that hatch. Whatever he saw in this dream will help him do that. Boone says he'll help, and that's when they find the plane.

It's up on top of a sheer cliff, and half in a tree. But it's there. The exact same yellow Beechcraft Model 18 that Locke saw in his dream. Locke is in no condition to climb, so Boone shimmies up the cliff. Inside the very precariously positioned plane is nothing but hollowed out statues of the Virgin Mary, full of heroin. So good news for Charlie, I guess. Locke tells Boone to get down, but Boone wants to try the radio first. The plane keeps shifting under his weight, but he manages to get a signal. "Mayday, mayday! We're the survivors of Oceanic Flight 815" A voice on the other end responds "Uh, what are you talking about, bro? We're the survivors of Oceanic Flight 815." And Boone looks at the radio all like "What the fuuuuuuuu--" And that's when the whole thing falls out of the tree and smashes into the ground. Only Boone could crash a plane that has already landed.

Locke's legs reboot and he rushes Boone back to the caves so Jack can do his thing. But when Jack goes to get more information about the accident, he sees that Locke is already gone. He's back at the hatch, pounding on the door, betrayed by the island that he trusted so much. And then, when Locke is at his lowest, inside the hatch, a light turns on.

Meanwhile, Sawyer's got headaches. Kate wants Jack to help him, but Jack is all "What? No. He's a jerk. Fuck that guy." And Kate is like "Maybe I will." So, Jack decides to help Sawyer. Turns out he needs some reading glasses. Not that Jack doesn't enjoy briefly having something on Sawyer he can make fun of. He finds some glasses in the wreckage, and everyone points and laughs at that dumb nerd Sawyer and his stupid glasses.

One last smoldering stare for the road.

THE FLASHBACK

We start out with some nice buzz marketing for that board game no one has ever finished. No, Not Monopoly, the other one. Sorry? You've never finished a game of Sorry? Weirdo. No, it's Mousetrap. We're in a Walmart* and Locke is the salesman. Yes, his life is actually going to get worse. Some older lady is dressed up all fancy like and is staring at him. He confronts her out in the parking lot and it turns out this woman is his mother! They catch up in a diner. Locke wants to know about his father, and that's when his mom drops another bomb on him. There was no father, Locke was immaculately conceived. Just like that guy, from that book! Anakin Skywalker.

Obviously, she's coo coo crazy pants, so Locke hires a private investigator to look into things. The investigator finds out that this woman is indeed Locke's mother. Locke asks about his father, and the investigator warns that looking for your original parent who abandoned you and don't want to be found is a tricky business. It rarely ends well. In retrospect, Locke should have heeded the warning.

But he doesn't. And so, Locke heads off to meet his father, one Anthony Cooper. Oh man, this guy. At first, everything is great. They have some good father/son talks, they go hunting together. It's everything a little orphan dreams about. Your real father is a super cool guy who's rich and is just waiting for you to come back so you can all be a happy family. But one day, Cooper "accidentally" tells Locke the wrong time to come over. and Locke sees him in the middle of a dialysis treatment. Coop's kidneys are failing. He's on the transplant list, but short of a family member coming out of nowhere to give him a new one, it doesn't look good. Anyhoo, time to shoot some birds!

Yeah, Locke offers up one of his kidneys, because (as the Sawyer episode taught us) the most important part of the long con is making the mark think the whole thing was his idea. Locke falls asleep in the hospital with two kidneys, holding his father's hand, and wakes up with one kidney alone in a seedy motel, in a bathtub full of ice. He goes to confront his father, but the security guard won't let him in. He can't do anything but return to his car and yell and punch the steering wheel and burst his stitches open. No wonder this guy likes it better on the island.

What's more ridiculous, his vest or his toupee? 

THE RANDOM THOUGHTS

• Here is a list of unanswered questions from Lost. Do not read this list. The overwhelming majority of them are crap that doesn't matter (Where did the nickname "Hurley" come from?) or stuff that may not be explicitly answered on the show, but is super fucking obvious if you pay attention. "Why do Locke's legs sometimes fail him, such as when he and Boone were on their way to the Beechcraft?" Because he was losing his faith in the island, dummy! The whole goddamn episode is about Locke losing his faith, and the island demanding a sacrifice. That's not an unanswered question. That's a you don't know how to watch TV.
• I like the community that's forming. This episode gives you a real strong sense of the character dynamics and where everyone fits in on the island. It's like Deadwood, but with less cussing and more magic. 
• It's mostly in the beginning of the episode, as Jack makes his rounds and checks in with all the characters. Michael and Jin rebuilding the raft is particularly good. I like their dynamic, and they way they bicker their way around the language barrier.
• Shut up. There are Star Wars books. Technically that joke is correct. 

Ha ha! Look at those dumb glasses! What an ugly nerd!

FENWAY PARK

• We gotta go back!
• Don't tell me what I can't do!