Confidence Man

WHY AM I WATCHING CONFIDENCE MAN?

In which she is all "Ah love you, Remy!" And Sawyer is all "Aw haw haw! Spicy Crawdad!"

Don't you EVER compare me to Gambit!

THE ISLAND

This week we start with Sawyer being a creep to Kate. Like, he literally walks up to her with no pants on and is all "Hiya, Freckles! Ain't my penis great?" And she just rolls her eyes because boys will be boys! Then Sawyer moseys on back to his tent where Boone is rifling through his stuff. Sawyer then beats the shit out of Boone, because someone was going to have to do it eventually, might as well be Sawyer.

As Jack is treating Boone's wounds, he finds out exactly why Boone ran afoul of Sawyer. Shannon has asthma. Her inhaler refills were in Boone's luggage. Sawyer was reading a book that was in Boone's bag. Therefore, Sawyer has Shannon's inhalers. Not the most airtight logic, but by Boone standards he knocks it out of the park. Sawyer decides that sure, he'll hand over the inhalers, as long as Kate makes out with him. Because Sawyer is determined to make sure everyone knows he's a creeper. Kate is all "I know you're a good person. I see you sadly reading that sad letter with your sad eyes. Open up to me. We can be sad buddies" And Sawyer says nuts to that and forces Kate to read the letter out loud.

Dear Mr Sawyer,
How are you? I am fine. You fucked my mom and stole my dad's money. So he went and killed everyone. I hope you're proud of yourself.
Yours in Christ,
Not Li'l Josh Holloway

So, Sawyer proved his point that he's a mean ol cuss, and Kate gets to look extra sad for a few seconds. Meanwhile, Sayid is trying to solve the mystery of Who Bonked Me on the Head So I Couldn't Find That French Lady. He asks Locke for an alibi and Locke is all "Nope, definitely wasn't me! You know who it might have been? Sawyer! Who benefits from staying here? It's probably the guy who has the last of the cigarettes. Anyways, I'm just going to walk over there now, like we all can do with our working legs. Ha ha." Both plots have now come together.

Jack wants the inhalers, and is willing to punch Sawyer in the face until he hands them over. That's when Sayid mentions that in his duties as a communications officer in the Iraqi Republican Guard, he would sometimes communicate via a car battery hooked up to the enemy's testicles. You know, for a show with such a diverse cast, they really do rely on stereotypes a lot. On an unrelated note, Sun helps Shannon with her asthma because she knows all about herbal medicine. Also, Michael is an absent father. Anyhoo, Sayid tortures the shit out of Sawyer. They don't show the shit, though. It still is network TV.

Kate finds out about the torture and runs to put a stop to it. Then I got bored and went to the kitchen to grab a beer. When I got back, she was making out with Sawyer. So that's a thing now, I guess. Turns out Sawyer didn't have the inhalers, he was just being an ass. Seems like a long way to go to prove your point, but maybe that's just me. Sayid flips the fuck out and stabs Sawyer, and now Jack is trying to save Sawyer's life instead of torturing him and the scene makes less and less sense as it goes on.

The next morning, things start making even less sense. Sawyer wakes up to see Kate's dumb, sad face looming over him. turns out that letter was written on wacky 1976 specific paper. The letter wasn't written TO Sawyer, it was written BY Sawyer. When Sayid finds out about this, he just walks away from the episode. I'm with you, bro.

While this is all going on, there's a wacky rom com happening as Charlie tries to get Claire to move off the beach and into the caves where it will be safer for her and the baby. She says she will if he can find her peanut butter. He finds her an empty jar and using the art of mime, convinces her that it's full of delicious peanut butter. They're cute and fun and adorable together and it makes a nice contrast to the horrible torture. It also makes this Clint Cardoza's favorite episode.

I mean, it's a little before my time, but was the bicentennial such a big deal it got it's own envelopes?

THE FLASHBACK

Sawyer is taking a woman on a one way trip to the Bone Zone, but he's so into his fucking that he loses track of time and is late to an important meeting. In his rush to get dressed, he drops his suitcase and $140,000 goes spilling out all over the floor. The woman's eyes start spinning and dollar signs appear. And with that, the hook is set.

See, Sawyer is a con man by trade. He's pulling the ol' "pretend you've got a surefire investment, and you just need a little more cash" scam. He sexes up the wives, then gets the husbands to pony up the cash. He comes out on top in more ways than one. The trick is to leave the money with the husband overnight. That earns you their trust. Which you're going to need when the wife is giving you a hand job under the table at lunch.

Sawyer's loan shark has a bit of a problem with this, understandably. But Sawyer's got the charm and, well, confidence to convince him that the scam will work. And work it does! Sawyer has got imaginary contracts signed and a briefcase overflowing with cash. But that's when the couple's kid walks in the room. And as we discussed earlier, that's a bit of a sore spot with Sawyer. So he drops the suitcase and gets out of there. I'm sure this will go over well with his loan shark.

Sawyer, this is an important meeting. You put on a fancy suit. But you didn't shave?

THE RANDOM THOUGHTS

• I saw Ant Man this week. I liked it a lot, except for one character. Go on, guess which one.
• The loan shark is played by Billy Mayo. That is all.

Totes adorbs.

THE CATCHPHRASES

• Freckles (3x)