Tuesday, August 16, 2016

The Survivor

WHY AM I WATCHING THE SURVIVOR?

In which Gene discovers tentacle porn.

"This high five has gone horribly wrong!"



The Enterpise is patrolling the Romulan Neutral Zone, which is the most Star Trek thing they could possibly be doing, when they come across the wreckage of a ship. Luckily, the pilot is still alive, and he is none other than Carter Winston, man about town. Remember that name, Carter Winston, you'll be hearing it a lot. Carter Winston is the best humanity has to offer, constantly using his fame and fortune to help out others. Kirk can't stop telling Carter Winston how great he is. And when Carter Winston isn't on screen, the other characters should be saying "Where's Carter Winston?" Spock wants to check Carter Winston's identification before letting him roam about the ship. Bones acts like Spock just took a shit in the captain's chair. Carter Winston, of course is happy to provide all the evidence he needs to prove who he is. He's just that sort of guy.

By strange coincidence, Carter Winston's fiancee, Lt. Anne Nored happens to be working security on the Enterprise. That was lucky. But Carter Winston can't be around her. Too much time has gone by! It's too painful! Anne, a hard nosed security officer, runs away in tears. Women, am I right? Spock wants Carter Winston to stay quarantined until we can be sure he's actually Carter Winston. Everyone calls Spock an asshole for not trusting the great Carter Winston. Then, first chance he gets, Carter Winston shapeshifts into some crazy tentacle monster, bonks Kirk on the head, assumes Kirk's form, and orders the ship into the Neutral Zone.

Kirk wakes up and they chase Carter Winston around the ship for a bit. But then the Romulans find out that there is a Federation ship in the Neutral Zone. And, if you know anything about Star Trek, the best way to cheese the Romulans off is to violate that Neutral Zone. Kirk realizes that the shape shifting alien pretending to be Carter Winston is actually a Romulan spy. He gets the Enterprise into the Neutral Zone, and the Romulans are within their rights to confiscate the ship and learn the Federation's precious secrets. Meanwhile, Carter Winston has damaged the deflector dish, which is kind of an important thing for space travel, so the Enterprise can't escape.

Crack security officer Lt. Nored tracked down the saboteur. The alien confirms that the real Carter Winston is dead, but he's been pretending to be Carter Winston for so long, he has feelings for her. Uh....kay? Luckily, this awkward moment is interrupted by Romulans attacking. That's when Carter Winston realizes that he's put his fiancee in jeopardy, so he shapeshifts himself into a new deflector dish, and the Enterprise is able to make their escape. Carter Winston heads off to prison, and Lt. Nored is going with him because fuck it, it's the 70's.

And now, the Fancy Lad Weather Report.
THE RANDOM THOUGHTS
  • For that other time a member of the crew got shape shifted, or mind swapped, or whatever see the TOS episode Turnabout Intruder, the TNG episode Power Play, the DS9 episode The Passenger, and the VOY episode Warlord, and the ENT episode Observer Effect. Among many many many others.
  • This episode features the first appearance of the other new crew member, M'Ress, the terrifying cat lady. The less said about her the better.

Keep your hands to yourself, mister.