Outlaws

WHY AM I WATCHING OUTLAWS

In which Sawyer brings a gun to a tusk fight.

More sexy staring.

THE FLASHBACK

This episode starts off with the flashback, and so shall we. And we are flashing waaaaay back to 1976. A young Sawyer is woken up when his drunk father is pounding on the front door. Someone has stolen all his savings and apparently slept with his wife. Yeah, we're about to see that. It's a pretty intense way to start the show. I hope there were no leftover Dharma and Greg viewers who hadn't changed the channel yet. Li'l Sawyer hides under the bed where he hears a gunshot. Then his dad comes in the room, sits on the bed, and blows his brains out just above his son. Yeah. It's intense.

A few years go by, Sawyer is trying the same shtick with a girl who in real life is married to Michael. Gonna make the cast party awkward if you steal her money, Sawyer. Luckily, they're inturrupted by an old associate of Sawyer's who's got some interesting news. Seems he's tracked down the Real Sawyer (PREVIOUSLY, ON LOST: Sawyer took his name from the guy that conned his parents and drove his father to murder suicide. He's been carrying around a note ever since that he's going to read to the guy before he kills him.) and is giving Our Sawyer the information to make them even for some dumb crime thing or another. Old Man Sawyer is working at a shrimp truck in Australia. So didgeridoo yourself a hooley dooley wallaby, mate! It's time to bonzer some revenge Down Under! Crikey!

Once Sawyer is in Sydney (and we see the Opera House because god forbid you show a major city on TV and not show a landmark. How else will we know where we are???) he goes to find a gun. Of course, Australia's got their shit together, so he can't have a gun. Which means that if he gets caught, he's doubly fucked. And, more to the point, no refunds. So you might as well do it.

To keep things slightly less confusing, I'm going to refer to Old Sawyer by his current alias, Frank Duckett. So, Sawyer finds Duckett's shrimp truck, and let me tell you, this thing is TERRIBLE. It's a food truck. It's on wheels. He can literally take his restaurant anywhere he wants to in the ENTIRE COUNTRY, and he settles down in the middle of nowhere. No office park around. No construction site. Not a soul for miles. And this is where he's decided to stay! He's got a tent with some pic-a-nic tables all set up. As though people are going to travel halfway across the outback for a plate of warmed up shrimp. He tells Sawyer "Hey, you just missed the lunch rush" You know what, Duckett? You're not fooling anyone! And in Australia, they're called prawns. So what are you even doing, Duckett? If that is your real name! (Spoilers: It is.) Anyways, Sawyer looks at the whole situation, and decides he can't kill the owner of a business this pathetic, and he wanders off to the bar.

In the bar, he finds another poor soul drinking away his troubles. One Dr. Christian Shephard, most likely in the middle of the bender that killed him. Doc is sad because his son hates him. But he is actually incredibly proud of his son and everything he's done. But he's too weak to pick up the phone and call Jack, so he just sits and drinks. He then convinces Sawyer that whatever his business in Australia is, if it will make him feel better, he should do it. So that's 2 people you've killed on this show now, Doc. Three if you count yourself. Then before he goes, he drops his famous catchphrase "That's why the Red Sox will never win the World Series" You know, that thing he says in every episode. It rolls right off the tongue! It's on all the t-shirts! My Catchphrase section might as well be called Fenway Park he says it so much! It's definitely not an awkward set up for something later on, no sir!

So, in the pouring rain, Sawyer makes his way back to Prawn Palace, and doesn't give himself time to think about it. He just shoots Duckett right in the gut. Then he takes out his letter. "Dear Mr. Saywer," he starts. "Who?" replies Duckett. Yeah, turns out he's not the real Sawyer after all, just some poor shmuck who owed our Sawyer's friend some money. 

PICTURED: A horrible business model. 

THE ISLAND

It's the night. Sawyer is woken up by a boar rooting through his stuff. And Sawyer doesn't take kindly to strangers rooting through his stuff. So he chases the boar into the Spooky Woods and hears some Spooky Whispering in them. The next morning, he tries to talk to Sayid about it, but these guys fucking hate each other, so it goes nowhere (PREVIOUSLY, ON LOST: These guys fucking hate each other).

Later, Sawyer is out in the jungle and hears some more spooky whispering. This throws him off balance, as does the boar who runs into him at full speed. Kate comes across him and just starts pointing and laughing. Sawyer is convinced that this boar has it out for him, and Kate upgrades from lol to full on ROTFL. Sawyer tries to hunt the boar, but spends most of the day walking around in circles, while Kate watches from a tree giggling at him. Kate climbs down and offers to help, in exchange for getting anything she wants from his stash, no questions asked. Sawyer's not happy about the arrangement, but this pig ain't gonna kill itself, so he agrees. That night, Sawyer reveals that he still has a few tiny bottles of airplane whiskey, and the two play a game of Never Have I Ever. It's a pretty fun, flirty scene, but Sawyer is a mean drunk and eventually the question comes up "Never have I ever killed a guy." Turns out they got somethin' else in common.

The next day, Sawyer wakes up with a wicked hangover and a backpack full of boar piss. Yep, they were visited by the pig again last night, and he left Kate's stuff alone, but trashed the shit out of Sawyer's. Then Locke shows up with some coffee and donuts like he's Knifey Ned Flanders or some shit. Kate does her best to keep a straight face as she explains why they're out here. That's when Locke tells them a story from his weird, depressing childhood. His foster sister had died, and one day some random dog showed up and slept in the sister's room, ate at the table, went to school, and so on. And then, once the mother died, the dog ran off. Now, obviously the dog wasn't a reincarnation of the sister, that would be silly. But her mother thought that she was, and that's all that mattered. Anyhoodle, enjoy your hunt! Locke is a weirdo.

They find the pig's house. Sawyer huffs and puffs, and Kate gets pissy at him and leaves. That's when the boar comes home. Sawyer pulls his gun out and the two stare each other down. Then Sawyer decides the whole thing is stupid, puts his gun away and leaves. So no one in the camp gets pork chops tonight.

Later that day, Sawyer goes to return the gun to Jack. They do a little bit of their sparring, but it's mostly so Jack can say his father's famous catchphrase "That's why the Red Sox will never win the World Series." What a totally normal thing to say! Sawyer recognizes this turn of phrase, and realizes Jack's shitty dead father was his drinking buddy with the shitty son. But he keeps this information to himself because Sawyer is a hoarder.

Meanwhile, Charlie is coming to terms with what he did to Ethan last week. (PREVIOUSLY, ON LOST: Charlie killed a guy). He's not talking to his fake girlfriend Claire, or his best friend Hurley. Sayid tries to talk PTSD with him, but Charlie insists he's fine. Eventually people just believe him. It's not the most interesting subplot.

Have a nice SLIP! 

THE RANDOM THOUGHTS

• CONTROVERSIAL OPINION: I liked Kate in this. She's fun! She plays comedy relatively well. She's got good chemistry with Josh Holloway. Basically everything she does in other episodes, she is bad at. So they have her do the opposite in this one, and she's good at it! I bet it won't last. 
• The Red Sox did win the World Series like a month before the plane crashed. Get your shit together, Jack.

More of this, less bloo bloo bloo please.

THE CATCHPHRASES FENWAY PARK

• That's why the Red Sox will never win the World Series (apparently)
• Son of a BITCH!
• Sonofa---!
• You're going to get yourself Lost!