All the Best Cowboys Have Daddy Issues

WHY AM I WATCHING ALL THE BEST COWBOYS HAVE DADDY ISSUES?

In which the writers come up with an episode title designed to send me into a rage.

Pictured: Not a cowboy

PREVIOUSLY, ON LOST:

Hurley has figured out that Ethan wasn't on the plane. Claire was having crazy pregnancy dreams that someone was trying to eat her baby. Turns out, Ethan was trying to eat her baby, and is possibly from a whole tribe of baby eaters that live on the island. The crazy French woman called them The Others, so we'll just stick with that name for now. And I guess Jack became a cowboy at some point?

THE ISLAND

So yeah, Hurley tells everyone about Ethan, and Jack and Locke go running into the jungle to save Claire and Charlie. They're followed by Kate, in case someone is hanging from a tree, (but what are the odds of that?) and Boone in case someone needs to have their stock portfolio looked at. They find Claire's purse, that she has on this island for some reason, and signs of a struggle. Jack starts screaming at the top of his lungs, until Locke points out that it probably isn't the best idea to tell he kidnappers that they are looking for them. But don't tell Jack what he can't do! He barrels off into the jungle.

Locke picks up a scent, so the group starts chasing after it. But they come to a fork in the road. One of Charlie's dumb knuckle tape things says that they should go one way, but the footprints say they should go another. Jack wants to go north, Locke wants to go west, and Boone wants to go Dennis. This is why no one listens to you, Boone. Since Locke is the only one who has even a slight idea where they are going, the group is going to follow the footprints with or without Jack. That's when Kate lets it slip that she almost, sort of, can kind of follow the trail too. And for some reason this pisses Jack off SO MUCH. Why are you so mad you don't know every single thing about this woman that you met 16 days ago? Why do you get so angry at her? Besides the fact that she ruins everything. And climbs trees.

Jack keeps on running through the jungle at top speed, taxing Kate's admittedly terrible tracking skills. (She went hunting with her father as a kid, not that it's any of your goddamn business, Jack). Luckily for the man of science, his gut was right and Ethan jumps out of a bush to beat the shit out of Jack. I'm not going to lie, it's a pretty brutal beat down. He tells Jack that if he doesn't stop following them, he's going to have to start killing people. Kate, of course sees none of this, and doesn't think the fight even happened, because she is just the worst. This, of course makes Jack run in a random direction even faster. That's when he smacks right into a Charlie pinata hanging from a tree. Naturally, Kate climbs up the tree to cut him down, and Jack starts Dramatic Doctoring to save him. There's CPR, then he starts beating on Charlie's chest all dramatic while shouting things like "Breathe, damn you!" The whole time Kate is crying, telling Jack that Charlie is dead like she's his fucking dad or something.

But of course this all works. Charlie gets to sit straight up and let out a loud, raspy, gasping wheeze, and after that is perfectly fine, despite the fact that he's been dead for like 20 minutes. Jack needs Charlie's help, so that he can find Claire in the morning, but Charlie doesn't remember anything, besides the fact that they were only after her. They. This island just got a whole lot more crowded.

Locke, for his part, has been hiking through the jungle with Boone. But he admits he lost the trail a while back and is just going where the island takes him, maaaaaan. That's when Boone drops a priceless Ming vase and it crashes against something metal buried in the mud. They start digging, and soon realize there is some kinds of big structure underneath them. Yeah, we're getting into the good stuff now, kids.

His head is just gonna pop right off.

THE FLASHBACK

Jack is doing surgery as his father watches. It's not going well. It's going so poorly that he loses the patient. But, being Jack, he has to grab the zapper thing and shout "CLEAR!" and then the dramatic chest beatings. But eventually his dad intervenes and tells him to call it. But Jack is all "Fuck you old man! You call it!" then flips him off as he skateboards out of the OR. Turns out, a nurse had called Jack in to take over the surgery after Dr. Christian "Shaky Hands" Shepard's shaky hands cut a major whatever in the patient's head. Turns out the reason his hands were so shaky is because he had a martini or eight with his lunch right before surgery.

Daddy Shepard writes up the report on the surgery, stating that the cause of death was an unavoidable complication of the operation. Jack won't sign it though, because he knows the cause of death was whiskey fingers. And also that a martini made with whiskey is a manhattan, so WHAT WERE YOU REALLY DRINKING, DAD? But his dad wins him over with a good heaping helping of guilt, talking about how a conflicting report would destroy his career, even if it wasn't true. and as a bonus, he throws in an apology for Jack's shitty childhood. And so, despite his reservations, Jack signs the report.

A few hours later, Jack sees his dad talking to the patient's husband, who is threatening to sue. He then watches as his father comforts and apologizes to the man in the exact same way he apologized to Jack earlier. This really gets Jack's goat, which is extra impressive because he grew up in the city and never had a goat, even thought his father promised he would get one for his seventh birthday. Later, at the required hearing about the patient's death, as Jack sits there biting his tongue so hard, he might bite right through it, it comes out that the patient was pregnant at the time of death. And, I suppose she still is, because the kid is dead too. No point in taking it out now. And this over the top twist is what finally convinces Jack to tell the board what actually happened in the surgery.

Is he gonna puke?

THE RANDOM THOUGHTS

• Jack's father is named Christian Shepard. Uggggggggghhhhhh.
• Soooooooo, I watched this week's and last week's episode back to back, and apparently the Sayid/Saywer showdown was this week. Whoops.

Nap time!

THE CATCHPHRASES

• I didn't notice any, but Kate did climb a tree, so I'm going to count that.
• Here is a quote from the ever useful Lostpedia "Kate, her character on Lost, is frequently seen climbing trees. This is because the very athletic Lilly loves to climb trees herself."
• And friends, if you're like me and love incredibly pedantic wikis, then the Lostpedia is for you! This one is right up there with Memory Alpha as far as the useful info to who cares ratio. Not as bad as the Homestar Wiki. But then, few things are.
• Seriously, they have an entry for the dead chick's husband.  AND IT HAS A TRIVIA SECTION!