In which The Rock, Micheal Caine, and Luis Guzman.... wait, what?
 |
PREVIOUSLY ON JOURNEY TO THE CENTER OF THE EARTH
I know I've seen this movie before, but I could not tell you a thing about it. Brendan Fraser fights a T-Rex? But one of those lame T-rexs without any feathers. It's really only notable for being one of those rushed 3D conversion movies that came out right after Avatar and made us all realize that maybe 3D wasn't the new hotness after all. It doesn't matter though, because this movie has almost nothing to do with the first one. The general premise is the same (I think). Jules Verne's books are all based on fact. Sean (Josh Hutcherson, Firehouse Dog) is a Vernian. These are people who use the clues hidden in Verne's books to go on adventures to the centre of the Earth, or 20,000 leagues under the sea. I guess he could go up too. He won't make it around the world in 80 days if he doesn't fly. And he certainly won't go from the Earth to the Moon. But we'll get to that. Anyways, Brendan Fraser skipped town or died or whatever, so Sean's got a new step dad, Hank (Dwayne Johnson, Tooth Fairy) to go on Journeys with. He's also got a new mom, Charlotte (Sex and the City), but she's just a different actress playing the same character. Well, I say "character". She doesn't really do much beyond roll her eyes and let the boys go on their Journey. Well, that's all the set up. On to... The Set Up? Goddammit.
 |
| Literally the only one they asked to come back. |
It's 1997 all over again as some kid dirt bikes his way around town and some music I know I listened to in high school plays (this movie came out 12 years after I graduated). He's being chased by the cops, and generally evades them until he goes crashing into a swimming pool. He takes off his helmet to reveal, That Boring Kid From The Hunger Games, as discussed above. Sean's step dad comes to pick him up, he's a fireman which provides both an explanation for The Rock's giant muscles, and why Sean isn't going to Hunger Jail. Cops and firemen are just best friends and constantly help each other out. Especially when their jerk step kid breaks into a government satellite tracking facility. That's the sort of thing a local cop can just sweep under the rug. As punishment for committing a federal crime, Sean is sent to his room.
This sequence is also notable for setting up another thing that differentiates this movie from the first one. This is no last minute 3D conversion rush job. This is a full fledged 3D monstrosity. The screen is full of shit freeze framing, dangling in the air, and rushing into the camera. I'm sure it looked fine in the theater, but at home it looks like a completely bizarre stylistic choice that's off putting at first, then grows on you as the movie goes on.
Hank tries to bond with Sean, but Sean will have none of it. The smile on The Rock's face is utterly delightful. The perfect "Goddamnit, kid. I'm trying. Work with me here" face. Eventually he sees the project Sean is working on. He got some kind of secret code off the government satellites, but he can't figure it out. Lucky for him, Hank just happened to be a code breaker AND a cartographer in the army. He figures out the nonsense words are Morse Code. This code was sent by Sean's grandfather Alexander, a noted adventurer and prominent Vernain. But breaking that code just leads to another riddle. After some Burt Wardian leaps in logic, they figure out the code refers to three different books. Gulliver's Travels, Treasure Island, and The Mysterious Island. But what if they were all THE SAME ISLAND??? Hank tears a few pages out of these priceless 150 year old books and throws a light under them. He reveals that each book has a piece of a map that shows exactly where to find The Mysterious Island. Sean starts throwing some Lunchables into his backpack, but Hank puts the brakes on this plan. He's still grounded for his light treason. But then he changes his mind and the two head off to the South Pacific.
On the island nation of Palau, Sean and Hank start looking for someone stupid enough to take them to a fictional island. Then, like so much Sqiggy, in walks Gabato (Luis Guzman, The Adventures of Pluto Nash), local tour guide and wacky comic relief. If there is a bucket, Gabby will get his head stuck in it. He's got a helicopter, and he wants that giant wad of cash Sean keeps throwing around. The problem is, his helicopter looks like it's held together with duct tape and wishes. Sean wants none of it, and is about to move on until he meets Gabato's hot daughter Kailani (Vanessa Hudgens, Sucker Punch). Now the movie's romance subplot can start. I am of course referring to The Rock and Luis Guzman. Gabby spends the entire movie making shmoopy eyes at Hank and it is utterly delightful. The two of them are totes adorbs.
And so, Sean hires them to take him and Hank to the island. But his awkward flirting is interrupted when they get caught in a hurricane. Everyone wants to go home, except for Sean. In the book, the castaways found the island after being caught in a tempest. So this all checks out. But it turns out to be irrelevant as Gabby loses control of the helicopter and they all crash.
 |
| The movie's romances, proportional to how much I care about them. |
The group wakes up on a deserted beach. There is some brief talk about getting rescued, but they decide the best course of action is to head into the interior of the island and have and Adventure. At first it's all good fun with tiny elephants and giant butterflies. But soon they find themselves in a giant field of eggs. They all tread carefully, lest they crack an egg, or wake up the giant fucking iguana momma sleeping nearby. The group sneakily sneaks around, until Gabby gets an egg stuck on his head. Because he's the comic relief, you see. Inside the egg, there's a gross fetal lizard that snaps at him. That was pretty cool. Mom wakes up and starts chasing everyone around. Giant animal chases are a recurring theme in this movie. First Hank tries to scare away the lizard with a flare. when that doesn't work HE STRAIGHT UP PUNCHES THE GIANT LIZARD IN THE FACE. This movie is amazing.
That also doesn't work. Luckily, they are saved in the nick of time by a trap sprung by Sean's grandfather, Alexander (Michael Caine, 20,000 Leagues Under the Sea? Wait, what?). Alexander is an Adventurer in the finest British tradition. I couldn't find any proof of this in my research, but I am 100% sure this part was written for Brendan Fraser, and when he didn't come back, they rewrote it for an old man who doesn't look like he could survive a day on the beach, let alone months on a dangerous fucking weird island. Still, he's Michael Caine, so he's a charming delight. He's got great chemistry with The Rock, too. The two of them have a genuine character arc. Well, as genuine as you can have when you've got grown men riding around on giant bees. But I'll get to that.
They head back to Alexander's house. During the walk Hank realized his step son has a thing for the tank top and short shorts walking in front of them. So he gives Sean some good advice when dealing with women. 1) Don't follow your instincts. 2) Be emotionally honest and open. 3) You gotta do a pec dance. This is the most important one, and Sean learns way more about his mother's sex life than he ever should know. Then Hank starts making his pectoral muscles bounce up and down, while imploring Sean to throw berries at them. Sean is, understandably weirded out by the whole thing and won't do it. Luckily Gabato is comfortable enough in his sexuality (where he falls on the spectrum is open to interpretation, but you already know what I think) and is willing to do the berry toss. The scene is completely bizarre and completely delightful.
Alexander turned his crashed boat into a pretty sweet tree fort. Sean and Alex want to stay on the island and explore, but the other three are eager to get home. This leads to some friction between Alex and Hank as they both try to get Sean on their side. Either way, it doesn't matter because it's going to be two weeks before the secret government satellites Alexander uses to send out his riddles will be in position. So until then, let's just kick back, relax, and explore the Lost City of Atlantis!
Yeah, Atlantis is part of this shared universe Fucking Weird Island. Alan Moore would be so proud. Or cranky. Yeah, probably cranky. Anyways, Alexander shows them some ancient Atlantean calendar that shows the island spends 70 years above water, and 70 years below. I have no idea what geological event would work so regularly. But then, I'm not the god of fucking weird islands. That's not until Season 6. Alexander is looking forward to about 14 years of archaeological expeditions through Atlantis. But apparently Hank took some geology courses in Army, because he's pretty sure the island is going to sink like tomorrow. Sean looked ahead in his summer reading, so he knows the best way to get off the Mysterious Island in a hurry is on history's most famous submarine, the Nautilus. No, I will not make an exercise machine joke. That is what hacks do. I know this, because that's what Gabby does.
But how do they find the Nautilus? First stop, Captain Nemo's grave. The entrance to his crypt is covered over with rocks (the non-acting type) and since Charlie's not around, I guess Kialani can do something besides stand around in short shorts. Speaking of short shorts, guess what the camera focuses on when she's shimmying through the tunnel? It's pretty cool inside the cave. It's appropriately creepy looking, and there's scaly, hairy, bitey monsters lurking in the shadows. And in the middle, just straight up chilling in a giant throne, is Captain Nemo's skeleton. He's dressed in his most extravagant Indian finery, and holding a big neon sign that says "NAUTILUS, THAT WAY -->". So that was easy. But when Kailini grabs the sign, the temple starts to collapse in on itself, and she's got to get running, like so much Indiana Jones.
Now, the Nautilus is docked at Poseidon's Cliffs, all the way on the other side of the island. The fastest way to get there is right through the heart of the island, full of treacherous terrain, and terrifying creatures. Or, you could just fly over all that while riding giant bees. Yes, that's right. This movie features an extended sequence where our intrepid heroes fly around on giant fucking bees! What that stand for?? It's a smooth flight at first, but then some giant birds try to eat the giant bees and there's a great chase sequence, and the camera gets to zoom in and spin around and do a bunch of 3D shit, and I cannot stress this enough, The Rock and Michael Caine are flying around on giant bees and I am having the best day. Sean pulls a crazy areal stunt to escape a bird and if it was an X-Wing escaping a TIE Fighter, everyone would be talking about how cool it was. But it's not. It's Peeta Hungergame riding a giant goddamn bee. Kailini falls off her bee and Sean swoops in and saves her with his bee and holy fuck I love this sequence so much. It's basically the only reason I wanted to review the movie.
Unfortunately Jean-Luc, All good things must come to an end, and Sean crashes his bee in the spooky jungle. He sprains his ankle, so the group makes camp for the night. The families split up with Gabato and Kailini wandering out of frame, and Sean, Hank and Alexander singing songs around the campfire. Specifically, Hank sings a parody of What a Wonderful World, that essentially recaps the movie up to this point. It's pretty great. In fact, here it is.
The next morning does not go so well. When they wake up, the campsite is flooded. The Mysterious Island is sinking even quicker. It will be gone in a matter of hours. And Gabato is missing. His motivation for going to the island was to make enough money to send his daughter to college. And just up the path a bit is a volcano that shits out gold.(The movie decides this was the inspiration for Treasure Island because why the fuck not?) Kailini and Alexander go to find him, while Sean and Hank head for the sub.
But when they get to Poseidon's Cliff, there's no Nautilus. The island is sinking, so now the sub is about 100 feet underwater. So, they make themselves a makeshift air tank and dive into the ocean. They find the Nautilus in all it's stingray shaped glory. Also, there's a giant electric eel guarding the place. The writers must have been fans of Super Mario 64. The guys manage to avoid getting zapped, but when they get to the submarine's bridge, it wont turn on. It turns out the 140 year old batteries need a jump start. So Hank heads back out to get the eel's attention. The harebrained scheme works, and the sub powers up. Time to head up to the surface and pick up everyone else.
Up on the island, things are not going so well. Turns out gold is really heavy and Gabato can't find a piece small enough to take home. Then, when they get to the cliffs, the island decides it's time to go and just starts disintegrating instead of sinking. There's a great last minute rescue as the three of them are floating on a rock (just go with it) and the Nautilus shows up to save them. Now we have to Journey From the Mysterious Island. The movie suddenly remembers that Gabato is a pilot and helicopters and submarines are basically the same thing, right? So he steers them around the smaller bits of island that are falling around them, while Hank loads up the photon torpedoes to take out the bigger ones. Once the danger is over and everyone is safely on their way home, Gabby finally kisses Hank. At least, that's what I saw.
EPILOUGE: It's six months or a year or a decade or whatever later. Gabato is a successful tour guide, offering ocean tours on the world famous Nautilus. Kailini is attending American College near her boyfriend Sean. It's Sean's birthday. Alexander shows up wearing what is supposed to be Old Man Motorcycle clothes, but really just looks like Old Leather Daddy. He's got a great birthday gift, though. he's going to take the whole family on a Journey 3rom the Earth to the Moon! Here we go again!
 |
| I'ma bee livin' that good life. |
WHOOMP (JOURNEY 2 THE MYSTERIOUS ISLAND) THERE IT IS
As we will discuss in a later installment of this blog, I'm a fan of the end credits rap. It was big in the 90's, but has mostly disappeared from movies today. However. This movie has something that might be better. Swingin' Dwayne Johnson and His Big Band are here for a reprise of What a Wonderful World.
If I can't have Vanilla Ice rapping about giant bees, I'll take the next best thing.
 |
| "Ello, ello, ello! Wot's all this then?" -Basically every time Michael Caine opened his mouth. |
THE RANDOM THOUGHTS
- So yeah, in between seasons of Lost, I'll be reviewing a movie that has a tenuous connection to the show. The connection to this should be obvious. They're both about people who crash landed on fucking weird islands.
- No spoilers, but if you know anything about me at all, it should be very obvious what Mathew Fox movie I'll be talking about after season 2.
- This is a hella dumb kids movie, don't get me wrong. But it's also really fun. The Rock is having a blast filming this, and it shows on the screen.
- Also, they fly around on giant bees.
- Yes, I know 20,000 Leagues Under the Sea refers to the distance they traveled, not the depth. Shut up. It's a confusing title.
- I got distracted doing research (as is prone to happen) and I found out that in the Disney version of 20,000 Leagues Under the Sea, Nemo is a white guy who is sad that his wife and children were tourtured and killed in the prison at Rura Penthe. This is surprising for two reasons. First off, that is dark stuff for a kids movie made in the 1950's. Second, Jules Verne invented Klingons?
- There is apparently a third book in Verne's Nemo/Fucking weird island series called In Search of the Castaways, It's actually the second book in the series, but like most middle children, nobody cares about it.
- I first found out about The Mysterious Island from a really terrible Hanna-Barbera cartoon I saw as a kid. I don't remember if it had the Scooby gang in it, or if H-B was just being lazy and used the same character models (probably the second one), but it was really not good. That said, the twist at the end of meeting Nemo and seeing the Nautilus caught me completely by surprise and managed to keep my interest for the last act.
 |
| Deep Sea Dwayne comes with everything you see here. Your parents put him together. |
FENWAY PARK
"I hope she doesn't like food with poop in his pants"- Gabato
No comments:
Post a Comment