Solitary

WHY AM I WATCHING SOLITARY?

Because it's 2004, and America is ga-ga for torture! In our entertainment AND in our foreign policy, we can't get enough of seeing people beaten until they tell us what we want to hear!

An Iraqi and a French woman in a Mexican standoff.

Confidence Man

WHY AM I WATCHING CONFIDENCE MAN?

In which she is all "Ah love you, Remy!" And Sawyer is all "Aw haw haw! Spicy Crawdad!"

Don't you EVER compare me to Gambit!

Post Atomic Horror 232

WHY AM I WATCHING DEEP SPACE NINE?

Because it's awesome, that's why.

Hush, keep it down now. Voices carry,

The Moth

WHY AM I WATCHING THE MOTH?

In which Charlie's brother may be a butterfly, but Charlie is a moth and those guys are way cooler.

He makes this face a lot.

THE ISLAND

Charlie's heroin withdrawal is getting worse, but Locke is there to help him through it. Cuddly, hugable, friend to all knives Locke. He suggests going for a walk, thinking the fresh air will do Charlie some good. Charlie is all "Sod off, old man!" then he goes for a walk anyways. While he's out a boar decides to mess with him and starts chasing him around. Luckily, Charlie leads the pig into one of Locke's patented Pig Traps. Well, lucky for Charlie. And the island full of hungry survivors. Not so lucky for the boar. Charlie has had enough of this stupid island and it's dumb monsters and just wants his drugs back. Locke tells Charlie he can ask for his drugs back three times, and after that he'll get them. I'm not really sure why. Locke does have a flair for the dramatic, I suppose.

So Jack moves his stuff into the caves. Charlie tries to help, but ends up spilling doctor things all over the ground. Then Jack stubs his toe on Charlie's guitar and yells at him to clean up his stuff. Charlie doesn't appreciate being treated like a child, and tells Jack so, in the loudest possible way. "I'm a rock god!" he shouts. Then a bunch of rocks fall on their head. This is why you don't piss off the island, Charlie.

Charlie is a little bruised, but otherwise he's fine. Jack, on the other hand, is buried in the rubble. Nobody wants Charlie to help dig him out, though. They tell him to go get Kate. Because that's the best way to make a guy feel useful. Have him drive the Ford Pinto. Charlie runs to the beach, but the Pinto isn't there. Luckily he finds a couple of F-150s instead. And Boone, who is a Focus, I guess. This metaphor is getting away from me. Charlie leads a big group of people back to the caves. Michael even used to work construction, so he knows the best, safest way to get Jack out. Charlie decides it's been a rough morning and he needs a little something to take the edge off.

Locke is outside starting prep for dinner. Chopping the onions, portioning the seasonings, ripping the skin off a pig. Stuff like that. When Charlie asks him for the heroin, he gets a moth cocoon instead. Locke tells Charlie how the moth is struggling to get out right now, and he could cut the cocoon open and set it free, but the struggle will make it stronger. The moth needs to dig it's way out on it's own. Unlike me, Charlie understands how metaphors work and volunteers to go into the cave and dig out Jack.

So, Charlie shimmies through the hole they made, but it collapses behind him. Now they're both trapped. Great job, Chuck. This is when the withdrawal symptoms start hitting Charlie hard. Jack lets Charlie know he knows whats going on, and when they get out of this, he's going to help. That's when Charlie sees that a moth has flown in there with them. He follows the moth to a tiny hole that leads up to the surface. His transformation from drug addicted caterpillar to comic relief moth completed, Charlie starts to dig his way to freedom.

That night at the campfire, Charlie's withdrawal is at its worst and he asks Locke for his stash. Locke is disappointed, but gives it to him. Charlie then chucks it into the fire. Locke is very proud of Charlie now, and they watch a moth fly off into the night. The moth is then eaten by a bat. The bat is then eaten by a Mothra, because this island is fucked up.

While that's all going on, Sayid has come up with a way to track the French woman's radio signal. But he needs more power for the radio. Luckily Kate knows where she can find the battery to an Apple Lisa. Unfortunately it's with Sawyer. She starts berating him for no real reason, but since he's such a swell guy, he gives her the battery free of charge. He's nice out of spite, which is hilarious to me.

Electricity now acquired, Sayid needs to plant radio receivers at different points on the island, so he can triangulate the signal. That means he's going to need Kate and Boone's help. Oh boy. This won't end well. The timing needs to be perfect for this to work, so they're going to shoot off bottle rockets when they're in position. This is a pretty cool way to communicate with each other across the island, until you stop to wonder why there were fireworks on the plane in the first place.

So, they head off, and that's why Kate isn't there when Charlie shows up with news about Jack. Sawyer though, being the nice guy that he is runs to find her. But when he does, she starts laying into him again. So Sawyer decides he's not going to tell her now. Which is mean, but fuck her. She was an asshole first.

The first receiver is on the beach. The second one needs to be put up high in a tree. For some reason Sawyer does this, while Kate sits down to enjoy some Hydrox and wash it down with New Coke. While Sayid goes off to place the last one, Kate and Sawyer have a little heart to heart. That's when he lets it slip that Jack is in trouble. She puts on her Very Sad face and dead arm runs into the jungle, leaving Sawyer with the radio. But the plan works. Everyone turns on their radios at the right time, Sayid gets a signal and starts to figure out where it's coming from. Then someone off camera bonks him over the head with a frying pan.

Throw your hands in the air for some high fives!

THE FLASHBACK

Charlie is filling in some guy about the debauchery after the previous evening's rock and roll concert. Some guy who is a priest. And they're in a confessional. So Charlie decides that the best thing for his spiritual well being is that he has to quit the band. Naturally his brother, Liam Gallagher, is waiting outside the door holding up a contract that reads "MAJOR RECORD DEAL. PRICE: ONE SOUL" Charlie still wants to quit, but Liam convinces him to stay, telling Charlie that without him, the band is nothing. Charlie says he'll sign, but only if he can quit at any time and Liam agrees. I'm sure this will all turn out fine.

And the band is a smash hit. Dick Clark AND Casey Kasem are playing the number one song of the summer, You All Everybody. The kids can't get enough Driveshaft. But on stage, Liam starts singing Charlie's parts. And Charlie is PISSED. Later in the tour, Liam misses sound check because he's all doped up on goofballs. Charlie is done, he's ready to walk away and Liam flips the fuck out. He berates Charlie into staying telling him that without the band, Charlie is nothing. Who could have seen this coming?

A few years go by. The band has broken up. Liam has cleaned himself up and has a wife and an Australian baby. Charlie pays them a visit, which at first seems like just a social call. Then Charlie drops the news that he's got a Driveshaft reunion tour all lined up, but it can't happen without Liam. Unfortunately Liam likes his beautiful house and his beautiful wife. He likes not waking up every day wondering how did he get here. Charlie does not take this news well. He starts to tell his brother off, and that's when Liam realizes that Charlie is still using drugs and is probably high right now. He tries to help, but that just makes Charlie even madder. He tells Liam to "piss off, bloody wanker" or some other exceedingly British curse words, and storms off.

Anyway, here's Wonderwall.

THE RANDOM THOUGHTS

• You All Everybody gets stuck in my head a lot. My apologies to everyone who has overheard me singing it.
• Boone screws up this week by leaving his useless sister in charge of the radio while he goes to dig out Jack.
• Geez, this one was long. There was a lot happening, though. Great episode overall.

Dusting the pork is a euphemism that never quite took off.

THE CATCHPHRASES

• You all everybody

House of the Rising Sun

WHY AM I WATCHING HOUSE OF THE RISING SUN?

Charlie needs to put away the heroin before the heroin puts him away and Jin might as well be walkin over Sun.

What, did you think I would only make one Smash Mouth joke during this project?

White Rabbit

WHY AM I WATCHING WHITE RABBIT?

A sci-fi TV character with daddy issues? The devil, you say! Wait, that might be a spoiler.

Also, Jackface. So much Jackface.

Either he's sad, or someone farted.

Walkabout

WHY AM I WATCHING WALKABOUT

Here it is. The first truly great episode of the series. Yes, this is the episode where everyone finally gets to eat pork chops.

Literally foreshadowing.

THE ISLAND

All right kids, there is a lot going down on the island this week, so let's get right to it. It's night, and Vincent is freaking the fuck out. Something is in the plane's fuselage and as everyone knows, dogs will only bark at things that are supernatural or scary and never freak out for no reason whatsoever. Turns out there's CGI boars eating the dead bodies inside the plane. Jack looks at the problem and says "We've got to burn the bodies." For reasons I don't understand, everyone else has a problem with this (#teamcreamation). Except for Locke. He looks at the problem and says "Dinner." But, yeah. Most everyone else is all "Fuck you, guy who's done nothing but try to help everyone since the crash. Why don't  we just burn them right now" And Sayid is all "A-doy. He wants to make a signal fire."

So, we've got two A plots this week, which is only something that a show with 47 main characters can get away with. First we've got Jack preparing to burn up everything that used to be alive. And then you've got Locke and his ham lust. We'll deal with Jack first. He starts cleaning out the fuselage, getting it ready for Burning Man, but everyone still has a problem with this. Claire wants to have a memorial service and she wants Jack to lead it. Jack....is not on board. If other people want to, fine. But it's not his thing. Then someone points out the older lady sitting alone by herself. Jack recognizes her as Rose from the first episode, and I recognize their names and check to see when Titanic came out. (It was 1997) (I doubt it was intentional).

So Jack talks to Rose for a little bit, they have a heart to heart. And here's where the episode come together for me, at least where it comes to Jack. He's not the Great Leader that everyone wants him to be. He's a surgeon. He sees a problem, counts to five, and fixes it. But he's not a total beep boop robot. He's got good bedside manner too. He genuinely wants to help Rose deal with the death of her husband. Of course, that's when Rose points out that yes, her husband was in the tail section when the plane fell apart. That doesn't mean he's dead. Before Jack can deal with that though, he starts hallucinating a man in a dark suit wandering around the jungle. So there's that now.

And while this is going on, Claire and Hurly are putting together a memorial service. These scenes are nice, but there's nothing here that's really worth putting in a recap. Except for the part where they find an envelope with Sayid's name on it. Inside is a picture of a totally hot babe. I'm sure this will be relevant later.

Right. So. Locke. He sees the pigs rooting around and is all "I'll get one of them. With these knives that I brought on the plane!" And everyone freaks the fuck out. On the one hand, I get it. Knife Guys are weird. Everyone knows that. But Locke seems to know what he's doing. And he's promising to get everyone bacon. That makes him OK in my book. (In the episode you don't find out until later, but I'll tell you right now. Dude is hardcore. He was going to spend six weeks wandering around the Australian Outback with nothing but those knives. Even more hardcore when you find out.... well, I'll get to that.) Locke heads off into the jungle. Kate comes along, because Kate is always coming along. And Michael is coming to get to know his son's new friend. Michael in particular has been very suspicious of Locke and I just don't understand why.

In the jungle Michael fills us in on some of his backstory. He wasn't really in Walt's life until just recently when Walt's mother died. So their strained relationship makes more sense now. Then a pig stabs him in the leg. Kate helps Michael back to the camp. Locke continues the hunt because fuck you, John Locke does what he wants, no matter what someone says.

Now, earlier in the episode, Sayid came up with a radio doodad that can be used to help figure out where the French Lady is broadcasting from. If they can find that, they have a better chance of getting home. He needs Kate to put it somewhere up high. On the way back home, Michael needs to rest his leg. So Kate climbs up a tree, then drops the radio because catchphrases have to start somewhere. Then monster noises happen and trees start shaking, and the monster is making a beeline for Locke. We switch to the monster's POV, and he gets right up on Locke, but doesn't eat him for whatever reason. The episode ends with Claire's funeral.. wait, not Claire's funeral, the funeral that Claire put together for everyone else.

Throughout the episode,  Boone and Shannon have been fighting because for all of Boone's faults, at least he's trying. Shannon can't even get food. And she's all "Fuck you! I can get a fish! I can get all the fish!" She then flirts with Charlie so that he'll get her a fish. And look, Charlie, I like you. But you've got more dignity when you're on the jungle floor licking out the inside of your heroin bag. It's just sad watching you fall for Shannon's obvious tricks.

You're not going to recreate the magic, Jack. That is no substitute for a tiny bottle of vodka.

THE FLASHBACK

Tight in on Locke's face. He receives a mysterious call from someone who refers to him as... The Colonel. Man, this Locke must be a stone cold bad ass. Well, not quite. Turns out he only plays army in his free time. The rest of the day he works some menial office job looking kind of dumb with a finger and a thumb in the shape of an L on his forehead. His boss is some douchey kid with an even douchier beard. Oh, and his name is Randy Nations, which is such a douchebag name. Locke is planning a trip to Australia where he is going to take an authentic Australian Walkabout through the outback. Locke's friend thinks this is a great idea. Randy thinks it's HILARIOUS (what a douche), and straight up tells Locke he can't do it. Well, don't tell Locke what he can't do. He going to get himself away from this place. Yep. What a concept. His friend, of course, could use a little fuel himself and we could awl use a little chaaaaaaaaaange.

The weeks start coming and they don't stop coming. Fed to the rules and Locke hit the ground... well, I'll get to that. He's sitting in bed talking on the phone to his girlfriend Helen. They heavily imply that Locke quit his job to go on this trip. And he surprises Helen with the news that he has TWO tickets to Australia. And that's when we find out Helen is a phone sex worker. Awkward.

But Locke decides to go on the walkabout anyways. You'll never know if you don't go. You'll never shine if you don't glow. But now the tour guide isn't telling him that he can't do it. And, oh boy, you do not tell Locke what he can't do. Locke loses his shit, but it turns out the guide has a point. See, Locke is a paraplegic. He's in a wheelchair. Suddenly all the awkward staging and talk about amputees climbing Mount Everest makes sense. It's a hell of a reveal. Really surprising and heartbreaking.

The ending is great. We're back at the crash, Locke is just figuring out that his legs work on the island for some reason. This is all filmed in the same chaotic style as the first episode and there's all the smoke and fire and blood and Shannon just fucking screaming. But the music is very sweeping and inspirational, and Locke is happy and content, knowing that he's fulfilled his destiny. He basks in the moment, before leaping into action to do whatever the hell it was he did in the first episode. The juxtaposition of triumph and success with all the imagery of the crash is fantastic. Only shooting stars break the mold.

Catchphrases have to start somewhere.

THE RANDOM THOUGHTS

• This episode does a great job of laying the groundwork for the man of science/man of faith rivalry that is going to be very important in the coming years.
• We really get to understand why Locke likes it so much on that island. He's a rock star. Get the show on. Get paid. In boar meat. His life on the mainland is so sad and pathetic (and it's only going to get worse), and on the island, he's practically a god. But, I'll get to that later.
• How many Monster energy drinks do you have to slam before you think it's a good idea to rhyme "yep" with "concept"?

Told you so.

THE CATCHPHRASES

• DON'T TELL ME WHAT I CAN'T DO! (x3)
• DON'T YOU EVER TELL ME WHAT I CAN'T DO! (variant)
• Son of a... (variant)
• Catchphrases have to start somewhere. (This will not become a catchphrase)